The 'Hood - Part One Million

Ahhhhh . . the weather has been so beautiful. I must admit that the arrival of spring is bittersweet for me. At the same time that I'm reminded of how awesome the sunshine feels on my face, I'm reminded of how much my neighbors hate me. I feel like I'm walking the halls of my high school when I go out my front door. When some of my neighbors are out, I endure dirty looks, cold shoulders, and stupid games. I hate it on Larch Street!! It's ridiculous. I try not to let it get me down, and I force myself to believe that I'm really not THAT despisable. When I'm outside, though, I usually feel like an idiot. So my spring project will be to construct a 50 foot wall around my house. I wish.

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KATIE WROTE A SONG!

I Believe

It's like I'm in a world

Where I'm on the ground

And can't get up

Nothin's catchin' me

Then I say

God if there is a God

Please help me

Then when I fall

Somethin' catches me

When I'm on the ground

Somethin' picks me up

Then I say . .

I believe

I'll believe

And I receive

So that I can be with you

I believe in You

Ohhh, yeah

I believe in You

I believe you will live forever

I believe you will help me

I believe you will pick me up

When I'm down

I know you will help me

Do your Holy work

And I say . .

I believe in You!

"If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell." ~Matthew 5:29-30

Today I made a move that I have been dreading, resisting, and excusing away for years. I gave my scale to Vicki so that I will not be tempted to weigh myself. This may sound silly, but after much consideration, I knew that the scale was the thing that caused me to sin and I needed to "gouge it out and throw it away." Quite a long time ago a trusted friend encouraged, even admonished, me to get rid of the scale. I said I could never do it. And I've absolutely refused to do so . . until now.

More than 10 years ago, I reacted to the number on the scale as well as the self-depricating thoughts that were louder than any voice I could hear, and I deprived myself of the food that my body needed. I would run like mad in 85 degree weather after eating little to nothing the entire day. I was a spiritual train wreck. After weeks of counseling with Pastor, I acknowledged that my behavior was sin and it desperately needed to be repented of. It was a slow process at first, but I've been "healthy" since that time. I have not chosen to deprive myself of food, and have honestly tried to make consistent healthy choices. I never, ever want to get back to that horrible place that owned me before I was married.

My biggest downfall is in my mind. I'm sad to admit that I obsess over my weight. More than sad is the fact that "obsess" is probably an understatement. Sometimes I think about nothing other than how much I'll weigh the next time I step on the scale, what I'm going to eat at my next meal, and whether or not I'll have time for a workout. I go through periods where I weigh myself every day, and sometimes more than once a day.

My eyes really opened after my tonsillectomy. Because of the surgery, I lost xx pounds and got a little excited because I was closer to that "magic" number I'd so love to see. I knew how I lost what I did. I also knew it would be unhealthy to stay that course. But my mind has been obsessed. I've been impatient, easily frustrated, and somewhat depressed because my main agenda has been my weight, and woe to the person who has gotten in my way. I remembered my friends voice and her wisdom that was rooted in personal experience . . and personal victory! I knew the scale had to go.

Now it's gone. I can't weigh myself. When we went to Clint's parents for dinner last night, he hid their scale so I couldn't step on. I won't know what I weigh, therefore I'm forced to be healthy. I won't know if I gain a little, so I won't feel like I must lose weight now, and I won't know if I lose a little, so I won't fall into the trap of wanting to lose more.

Let me just say that this struggle of mine is a problem. It's been a problem for as long as I can remember, and will probably never be a non-issue. I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but in my mind I had and have one. I believe fully that it's sinful to act on the temptations that surround the disorder, and that is why I took this bold step. For me, it is bold, and I pray that it brings more healing, health, and a closer walk with God.

I hope that my honesty is not a stumbling block for anyone. Instead, I hope it urges my readers toward Christ, and even challenges others to get rid of any known sin that is hindering a close walk with God. Sometimes we must first deal with the temptation in order to avoid the sin. I challenge you to look closely at your heart and life and honestly confront the uncomfortable areas. Don't be afraid to do something bold, and gouge out and throw away anything that causes you to sin. I can say from my personal experience that it brings peace.

As you've probably noticed, I now have an account with facebook. If you don't have a facebook, you should! It's way better than myspace, blogger, etc., etc. But . . that's just my opinion! Still, I think you should be using facebook. For my less web savvy friends, facebook is super easy and self-explanatory, and if you sign up, I'll leave you lots of happy comments!

ANYWAY, today was the true test of how far I've come in my recovery. Man alive, it was a busy day!! I did tae-bo, straightened my house, washed and put away all of my laundry, cared for the little people, made dinner, went shopping for 2 hours, then to a youth leaders meeting tonight! I feel fine right now, so I think I'm good to go and possibly fully recovered. Ahhhhh.

Karlee was sick over the weekend - double ear infection, and a skin infection on her cheek. She was coughing pretty much nonstop. She, too, is doing much better. For that, I'm so thankful!!

Well, tomorrow is another busy day, so I better rest up! Hope y'all are doing well!

Life Rolls Along

I guess it's time for me to update this crazy thing!! I really need to change that picture, too. Soon, I promise! Well, I'm feeling much better! My throat is just a little sore, and I'm regaining my strength pretty well. I had planned to go to Katie's game today, and church tomorrow . . BUT . . Cuyler is sick. I may never be able to leave my house. (Actually, I went to the grocery store today. It was the first time I've worn shoes in two weeks!) Anyway, Cuyler has been sick since Thursday. Clint and I are pretty sleep deprived because we've been up with the boy a lot. I don't think any of us went to sleep until 5:00 a.m. Thursday night / Friday morning. Today we found out he has strep. You know, my favorite illness. Needless to say, I'm in super-hyper-paranoid mode around here. I've got disinfectant wipes in one hand, and a can of Lysol in the other. I realized that my voice works well enough for me to yell "Don't touch that!" if anyone nears an unsanitized surface. I'm a crazy woman for sure and for certain. I'm so afraid of two things: 1)Someone else will get sick in the next few days and I'll be trapped in this house for another week. 2)I, myself, will get strep . . and that will fuel the discouragement fire that is blazing within. I'm dreaming of lying on the beach with the blazing hot sun on my face, hearing the breaking of the waves, and feeling my body relax from head to toes........Ahhhhh.........

Day 10

So, I'm entering my 10th day of recovery. The typical tonsillectomy recovery is said to be 10-20 days. I guess I should be feeling optimistic.

The scary thing to me is that there are these scabs that are supposed to fall off around the 10th or 11th day. Some people have lots of bleeding which requires medical attention. I'm a little paranoid about that; desperately hoping I don't bleed. I still have lots of pain in my throat and ears. That is getting discouraging. I don't want things to get a little better each day. I want to be all of the way better!! It's so hard to be patient. Talking is a chore. I can, but it hurts. I still whisper most of the time. My worst moments are in the middle of the night, and when I first wake up in the morning. My throat is dry then, so the pain is unbearable. After some pain meds and water, it usually eases up a bit.

Staying home from church today was depressing. As soon as Clint left, I went back to sleep and refused to wake up until 12:15. I didn't want to think about anything. I feel a little better now. I'm going to go take a shower, and hopefully have a comfy afternoon reading and whatnot.

Thanks for all of the cards, prayers, and well-wishes.